Morning page – NOV 4, 2018

REALLY EARLY MORNING LOL.

I just really had to write about this because I just had the insight of a lifetime.

I got stupidly depressed a year after I left home because I started getting EVERYTHING I WANTED? I DIDN’T HAVE TO FIGHT ANY MORE. LIFE LITERALLY LOST IT’S POINT AND LIKE A MUSCLE MY SOUL ATROPHIED. Now that I have new goals and regained my old heart I have felt a tsunami of newfound conviction and hope and striving. It is unbelievable. I have set a goal for myself that is simply “be the best you can be until they come back”. With this, I am a newborn paradise bird (phoenix?) growing in new plumage that had previously wasted away. I am allowed to be alone and chase my dreams in the hope that my best friend will eventually come home. This is all I care about. This is my muse.

But that was my goal before, when I was younger, and I still got what I wanted… but this time I won’t love them more than I love myself like I have in the past. I don’t mean this narcissistically, but in a sense that I will never lose myself in another person ever again. I am my own person, and they are theirs… Oh god, those love chemicals are hard to tame. But I love something bigger than earthly pleasures, and I don’t want to toss that away for any skin-deep joy.

I just want to sing with my best friend and drive into the country at night to look at the stars. Long road trips with all our favorite songs, and meeting lots of new friends along the way.

I just have to be better than I am so I can have the freedom to enjoy my life to the fullest.

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