Morning Page – NOV 7, 2018

The prospect of love is stronger than the emotion itself for me. I’m a predator engrossed in the art of the chase… without the chase. The thought of someday being worthy enough to have that sort of love from someone I have pined over since I was young… It’s so juvenile but it lights a fire in me. Even if it never happens (I would prefer if it didn’t lmao) I just want keep on the silent chase. I feel alive when I feel primordial. I feel most like myself when I am able to utilize my primitive instincts and spiritual desire in a steady balance. If I let one take over the other, it never ends well.

This is why I love creating, because I quite literally feel like an animal showing off their dance and saying ‘look at how beautiful I am, look at what I can do’. I don’t think that in words, I think it the way an animal would — to better yourself in order to attract mates! I’m not really interested in the mating aspect, more or less just hoping others feel less afraid to be free. I want to dance for the sake of dancing, not to impress anyone. I want to create for the sake of creating, not to be admired by anyone. I want to sing for the sake of singing, not to be praised by anyone.

I want to be beautiful to me — and whether onlookers enjoy what they see or not — is not my choice to make. Regardless, I will dance in the rain, sing in the storm, and paint the sky polychromatic violet until the bones in my hands disintegrate. ✌

And someday, when they come back, and they see you, you can just smile and they will know the beauty you have finally found within yourself, that no one in the world can steal from you.

Me @ myself: Except for your own self when you got too excited and fell off your branch and into the tar pit that wrecked your feathers for a few years. You felt so crappy about yourself that you let people you hate use you, you even told them that you loved them and almost gave your life/committed to them.

Y I K E S. Yeah, it’s gonna take a few years to wash that scum off: “HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO STUPID, AUGH! I can’t wash these gross memories away, GAH! I WANT TO REFORMAT MY MIND. GET ME MORE SOAP!”

Rinse. Lather. Repeat.

The daily cringing will stop someday. How can I forgive myself for letting the people I hate take advantage of me? Time will tell. I just can’t let that happen to me again.

This big dumb heart has done it’s damage to me and now I’m getting payback with self-love.


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s