Morning Page – NOV 23, 2018

It’s been a while!

These things were actually keeping me pretty mentally healthy because I had an outlet for my feelings that weren’t social media. Since I stopped doing them, I find myself wavering in confusing emotions because I haven’t taken the time to unravel and understand them. Thinking about your problems and experiencing those emotions are one thing, acting out on them are another. Ignoring your inner strife causes just as much pain as constantly picking at it. I had to put this into practice this week because I did something that was against my heart’s wishes, but have come to conclude as a necessary evil.

I had sex with someone I loved, but wasn’t in love with, and yet again I emerged from the union feeling discarded – but only at first. I’ve been battling with this feeling a lot as many (if not all) of my past relationships were of a low sort, I’d be used to get off and not even kissed after. By people who told me they loved me! LMAO. I’d be pissed off if it wasn’t for the fact I should have known better and had more respect for myself.

Me and my friend talked about the sex we had and I mentioned how I wanted to be made love to, and they mentioned how they felt like our session was making love. I thought about it, and remembered the love flood I had when I gasped “You love me!” and they said “Everybody loves you”. I fuckin’ melted. Yeah. That was love. Love for my being, not love for what I possess.

As much as it still stings my heart that I slept with someone who wasn’t the one I’m in love with, it’s bittersweet because it was love. I was loved over the weekend by one of my best friends and I was hurt and confused at first, until I started to heal. My friend helped me unravel some metaphorical threads and reposition them into something more beautiful, something less afraid of love and respect. It hurts. My heart hurts. But my wounds will scar and leave a tougher shell, and I’ll know not to do anything that harms the home I’m building for myself and the one I love.

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