Morning Page – Nov 24, 2018

I had a dream last night. You knocked on the door, and my dad answered it, and told me it was you. I ran to the door, and there you stood, smiling at me, and I smiled right back at you, and felt the intense rush of love. Reunited.

I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t. I love you and all the things you’ve done for me. I love how you keep trying no matter how much the world has beaten you down. You don’t quit. I love that about you. You didn’t quit with me. Please don’t quit on me now.

You were the one that told me to keep fighting. You were the one that reached out and tried to hold my rabid, snapping, broken soul. I bit you. I hurt you. I lashed out at the hand that fed me. I was scared. I had no trust left in myself. There’s no way you could have loved me, that’s what I thought. I was broken, useless, destroyed, unlovable. You loved me and I scared you because of it.  I was so undeserving to even know you. I don’t know who I would love today if I never met you. I think I would have left this mortal coil quite a while ago. It always kept me going, knowing you were out there, fighting with all you had, just like I have.

It killed me when I forgot you. I was ashes; dust. My bones crumbled at the slightest touch, and you touched me, trying to help. It’s okay, you didn’t know. At least you tried, and that was so much more than everyone else who took advantage of me at my weakest point. No wonder you got so pissed with me. My eyes were dead. This is not the animal you remembered.

I’m on the road to feeling the pain I’ve inevitably caused us both with my depression and fear. There is nothing in this world I want more than to love you, and that scared the shit out of me, because you wanted the same thing. Fuck, even I was the one instigating all the sex because I was so broken that I thought “heck this’ll make them like me” and you didn’t like it because it WASN’T ME and you fuckin’ knew it. I’m pissed at how dead my soul was, my heart was just driftwood. You had to leave me behind to fuck up until I smartened up enough to realize what was truly important to me; you.

You’re really starting to fuck up my work flow though, so I’d appreciate it if u could stop muddying my thoughts with feelings n emotions LMAO I have shit to do sweetheart. 

Sincerely, 
that dumb idiot that loves you

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